A War Of Wits And Tricks
by LadyOfGlass
Summary: Or at least the beginning of one... Life is looking up for Ori, what with Nori turning up again and business going well. But then Kili and Fili play a joke on him and...well...what's a dwarf to do but find some way to retaliate?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Well, I was planning to write a story about how Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur ended up joining the Company, but then I read a really fantastic story about the same events that someone else had written, and since I could never top it, I decided not to write it.**

** So, here's a story I wrote on the suggestion of the lovely Dunadanka, who thought that it might be interesting to hear a bit about a possible prank war, with Kili and Fili on one side, and Ori on the other. I thought it was interesting and a bit challenging so here it is. I'm not quite sure how well it turned out but I worked hard on it and I hope it's alright. It gave me a chance to try and get used to writing more about Ori. Er...enjoy.**

**One More Annoying Note: Since I hadn't a clue what Dori and Ori did for a living, I narrowed the jobs that Balin mentioned in the film down, and made them tinkers or tinsmiths. I probably got it wrong, so sorry.**

Ori was feeling rather happy. It was an indisputable fact. If you sat down and thought about the matter for a whole hour, it is highly unlikely that you could find a single thing that Ori had to be unhappy about.

Well, there were a few small matters that might have troubled him, one of them featuring a certain dragon of the large and treasure-loving variety that was really making itself at home in what had been the greatest city in Middle-Earth, but even that problem seemed to fade away in the face of all the things that were, for once, going right.

Business was going unusually well, for start, and that had put Dori in a good mood as well, and now there was also talk among the other dwarves living in the Blue Mountains of some sort of venture to reclaim Erebor.

Oh, there were always rumors of that sort, but this one was being linked to Thorin Oakenshield, himself, which was another reason for Ori to be in high spirits. Thorin Oakenshield was one of the only dwarves that Ori knew who could have come straight out of one of the stories that he'd read - the ones about the great heroes that were always worth rereading.

Which made sense, because that was exactly what Thorin was. Not that he'd ever proclaimed himself such, but that's how he was considered amongst a great many dwarves, and that was how Ori always thought of him. And if Thorin might be planning an expedition, then...well, foolish as it might be to listen to gossip of that sort, Ori couldn't help feeling excited.

And now, arriving back at the home where he lived with his older brother, Dori, there seemed to be yet another reason for Ori's happiness.

Their home was really just the back room of a tinsmith's shop that Dori owned and worked in, and for which Ori kept track of all business in the account books, and not particularly large at that, so the instant that Ori entered he saw who was waiting for him.

"Nori...?" he said, after a moment of open-mouthed staring at the dwarf in question.

Ori could be excused this rather timid utterance, as it had been a good many years since he had last seen his second brother and it was quite a shock to see him sitting there, perched on the back room's only table, eating what was, he realized, the meat pie that was supposed to be Dori's supper.

"Hello, Ori," said Nori, around a mouthful of meat and pie crust "It took me a while to find out where you and Dori were living - in the end I ran into Bofur in an inn (wouldn't have recognized him, but for that hat, either) and he pointed me in the right direction."

"We - we didn't know you were coming back," Ori said, weakly, still not quite believing his eyes "So we decided to set ourselves up here."

"You might've left directions for me, or something," said Nori, before lowering his voice a little and sounding uncharacteristically earnest "I missed both of you, though."

And he must have, too, Ori thought. If memory served, you used to have to badger Nori for half an hour before he got on to the subject of how he felt about anything more important than the weather.

"Well, I missed you," said Ori, which was also true, although as time wore on he'd gotten more and more accustomed to his brother's absence "And Dori has too - well, he's never actually said anything about it, but I know he has..." here Ori hesitated, unsure whether or not to mention their older brother's many rather unflattering statements on the subject of Nori's character, morals, and general lack of sense "Anyway, why've you come back now, of all times?"

"Oh, just thought I'd visit," Nori said, vaguely, as Ori ducked into the front room to surreptitiously check that none of the tools or pots and pans were missing, and feeling horribly guilty even as he did so "I've been waiting here for a while, too. Thorin's nephews - Fili and Kili, yes? - came in for a bit, but when I told them you and Dori weren't here they left quite quickly."

"I wonder what they wanted," said Ori, opening the large, leather bound tome that sat on the work table and in which he detailed the financial assets of their business. He flipped through a few pages, more to admire the curving black letters that he'd carefully inscribed earlier that day than to check that everything was in order.

Behind him he heard the door open, and cringed, bracing himself for what Dori's potential reaction might be.

"How did _you_get here?"

"Well, Dori, I turned left at Eriador and -"

"Don't mess about - you know perfectly well what I meant," said Dori, and Ori could imagine the suspicious look that he was most likely giving Nori "Have you come to lie low? Because I told you last time, we're not having you back if you're on the run from whichever authorities you've made angry this time..."

Ori, clutching his accounts book to his chest as if for protection, edged back out of the front room and sat down at the table, trying not to attract the attention of his two brothers, both of whom were well occupied bickering.

He remembered enough of Nori's last visit to know that it would be useless to try and get a word in, let alone make an attempt at trying to make peace. In a way, it seemed that this was really how Nori and Dori showed affection for one another, and he doubted very much whether either of them meant anything by it.

"I think I might as well do a little writing...?" he said to no one in particular, his voice all but drowned out by those of his brothers.

He laid the accounts book on the table and flipped it open to the appropriate page, and then reached for his inks. Now, where to start...

He laid pen to page and drew it down and around for the first curve of the 'g' in 'gained', expecting to see the inky black line appear...

But it didn't. Instead a thick, glistening substance trailed from the tip of his pen and left an unpleasant looking smudge on the paper. Ori blinked, and looked from the pen to the page and back again several times, his mouth opening and closing.

"Honey..." he said, after a few seconds of sheer bemusement.

This remark apparently drew the attention of his two older brothers who stared at him questioningly.

"What?" they both said, almost at the same time, both frowning in confusion.

"Someone," said Ori, slowly, leaning back to show them the page "Someone switched my inks with...honey."

"It wasn't me," Nori said, instantly, not even waiting for someone to suggest his potential involvement.

"Well, who was it, then?" asked Dori, spreading his hands helplessly.

They looked at the honey-smeared paper. Then they looked at the pen. Then they looked at each other. All three of them were slowly reaching the same conclusion.

"Fili and Kili."

"Ah," Nori said, nodding thoughtfully "I _thought_Kili was fiddling with those inks for a bit too long..."

"But - but they can't do that," said Ori, throwing down his ruined pen and looking up at his two brothers in consternation, his good mood officially a thing of the distant past "They can't!"

"It's not like there's not much that you can do to stop them," Dori said, perhaps not terribly helpfully, before noticing Nori opening his mouth to deliver a mystified _'why?'_"They always do things like that - they never mean any harm by it. They're young, and, well, they're of the Line of Durin..."

"_We're_of the Line of Durin," Nori objected "Well, sort of. Distantly. Somewhere along the line, at any rate. And Ori's young - younger than Kili and Fili, for certain."

"That's not the point," said Ori, feeling a little annoyed at being spoken of as if he wasn't there "What can I do to teach them a lesson?"

Both Dori and Nori were a little taken aback by this, as it hadn't truly occurred to either of them that perhaps revenge might be a possibility that Ori would consider.

"Bucket of slops over the door of the forge, or wherever they work," Nori said, recovering first "It'd be quick and effective - not to mention entertaining for anyone watching."

"You can't -" began Dori.

"But, just getting them covered in slops - it's not...satisfying enough," Ori said, looking at Nori earnestly "If you really think about it, it'd be best to put the bucket where someone else would be likely to get drenched. Then everyone would think that Kili and Fili did it, and they'd be angry at them."

"Where are they living these days?" asked Nori, over Dori's protests "Because you could always put it there while they're out, and maybe get Dis..."

Ori paused, an internal struggle raging. Dis was kind enough, not to mention being Thorin Oakenshield's own sister, and Ori had a good deal of respect for her. It was, in fact, utterly against his nature to go around soaking decent, and noble dwarves in slops just because their sons happened to have a liking for tricks...

But the fact that Fili and Kili had gone far enough to touch his inks! Spoil a sheet of his paper! There were some grounds too sacred to be defiled...

This was a matter of honor, plain and simple.

"So, do either of you know where I can find a good bucket?" he said, at last.

Much too early the next morning, Ori shot bolt upright in bed, awoken rather unpleasantly by a furious explosion of knocking. By the sound of it, someone was not only pummeling the sturdy oak door with their fists but also kicking it with some considerable force.

"Open this door now!" bellowed a voice from outside.

Nori, who Ori would have sworn was fast asleep on his pile of blankets, was on his feet in the blink of an eye and looking around warily, with the air of someone who has heard the words 'open this door' quite frequently issuing from the mouths of various authorities.

'"It's Fili," Ori told him, quietly, by now out of bed and feeling distinctly nervous.

"Open the door or we'll kick it down!" yelled a second voice, who had evidently moved on from 'angrily' several minutes ago, and was now well into 'irately' territory.

"Oh, and Kili, too," said Nori, in a matter-of-fact way that Ori wished he was brave enough to imitate.

In the farthest bed from the door, Dori groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes and then frowning as he connected the insistent racket to the door.

"Who is that? Have you done something, Nori?" he asked, more out of habit than anything else, getting up and looking at the middle brother suspiciously. He had to speak quite loudly, because the noise had swelled remarkably - the two dwarves outside now apparently throwing themselves bodily at the door.

"Not this time. No, unless I'm much mistaken, this is the result of a large bucket full of...well, let's not go into that now, emptying its contents onto someone's head..." said Nori, and there was something in his voice that gave Ori the distinct impression that despite the fact that Kili and Fili were attempting to enter their house with what seemed to be an intention to commit murder, he was enjoying the situation immensely "Out of interest, are we going to wait until they bash down the door to do something?"

"Well, what do suggest we do?" said Dori, grumpily. He wasn't really at his best in the mornings.

"We could let them in," Nori said, calmly "No point putting off the inevitable, eh?"

Ori paled at this suggestion, and looked at his older brothers with wide eyes. Nori couldn't be serious, could he?

"But...they're going to kill me," he said, his voice squeaking a bit more than he'd intended, as he took a few steps away from the door

"You'll have to hide, then," said Nori, putting his hand on the small of Ori's back and propelling him towards the front room, before looking back over his shoulder at Dori "I haven't been here for long enough - where's the best place?"

Dori sighed but followed them, pointing to a small work table upon which various pots and pans in varying degrees of disrepair were laid out.

"Under there," he said, as behind him in the back room the door shook on its hinges.

Ori didn't need to be told twice, and scrambled to what he sincerely hoped was safety, under the table, watching as Nori grabbed a blanket off Dori's bed and arranged it like a tablecloth, the better to hide him from anyone who might glance downwards.

He could hear Dori cross the room, and then heard the door begin to creak open slowly. Well, it started off creaking slowly, and then went the rest of the way at a great speed (and with an even greater bang), as Kili and Fili shoved it open.

"_Right_," Ori heard Kili say "Where is he?"

"Who?" asked Nori, apparently choosing to adopt a manner of deliberate imbecility.

"Ori, of course!" Fili snapped, impatiently "The little twit put a bucket of filthy muck over our door!"

Well, to be painfully honest, he didn't say 'twit'. No, he used a dwarvish word of the short, sharp and rather coarse variety, that I'm sure you can fill in for yourself, if you really must. Suffice to say that it made Dori purse his lips in disapproval, and had Nori making a note of it for future use.

Ori didn't know what it meant at all, which might have been a blessing, all things considered.

"Why are you blaming Ori for it?" said Dori, doing a fairly good impression of someone who was genuinely bemused.

"Good point," Nori said "If I remember correctly, there are quite a few dwarves who might do something of that kind. Ketill, Hrafni. Or Bofur, of course. Or Gisli."

There was a slight pause after this list, and Ori did his best not to breath loudly or even move an inch.

"No," said Fili, in quite a different voice than the one that he'd been using before "No, not Gisli."

"Why not?"

"He's dead," explained Dori, after another pause "I should have told you, before, Nori."

"Troll," Kili said, simply, by way of explanation.

"I...I see."

Ori realized that he had never heard Nori sound quite so uncomfortable, and the long silence that ensued was indeed one of the most uncomfortable that he'd ever experienced. Kili had been quite close to Gisli, who Ori remembered as being a decent sort, and who definitely hadn't deserved his demise three years before.

"So, why Ori?" prompted Dori at last, clearly eager to change the subject.

"Mmm..? Oh yes," Fili said, apparently struggling to gather his thoughts together "You see, Egill told us that he saw Ori approach our home, carrying the bucket."

"You don't get evidence like that every day," agreed Kili, also collecting himself and trying to regain his original vehemence "Which is why we've come here. To kill him."

"You're the ones who started it," Dori said, defending his little brother "You can't kill him for wanting to get his own back."

"It doesn't seem very much like you to take a simple joke the wrong way," said Nori, who seemed to be hazarding a guess based on what Ori had told him of the way that Kili and Fili had grown up "Out of interest, who got the slops in the face?"

"That's just it!" Kili said "It was Thorin!"

"_What?_"

It was hard to tell whether it was Nori or Dori who had delivered this disbelieving remark first, although they both said it and both said it loudly. Not loudly enough to detract attention from the horrified yelp that Ori had let out, however.

Kili, who had heard it, reached down and, grasping him firmly by the shoulder, tugged the younger dwarf out from under the table. Ori had gone very pale, and his face was a mask of terror.

_Thorin. Thorin Oakenshield._

Ori looked around, first at his brothers who were both rather on the pale side themselves, then at Fili and Kili who were eyeing him in a manner that implied that neither of them were feeling merciful.

"I'm - I'm sorry...?" he offered, weakly.

Kili, still not releasing Ori's shoulder, stared at down at him. The corners of his mouth began to twitch as he stared, and then to Ori's infinite surprise Kili burst out laughing.

"Oh,_ Ori_," he managed to choke out between chortles "The look on your _face_..."

"Kili..." Fili began to say, shooting his brother a warning look "What's wrong with you?"

But despite his valiant efforts to remain stern faced, in a few moments Fili too had succumbed to helpless laughter. Some dwarves really don't take after their uncles...

Nori joined in the laughing, and then Dori began to chuckle too. Even Ori managed a nervous laugh, as he eyed his fellow dwarves as if not quite sure if they were all sane.

"So," he said, cautiously "You're not going to kill me, then?"

Fili, who had more or less regained control of himself, put an arm around his younger brother's shoulders and began to pull him out the door.

"No," he said, still shaking with mirth "No, we aren't. But we'll get revenge, one way or another."

They staggered out of sight, and in a moment or two their laughter had faded away. Dori, Nori, and Ori looked at each other for a long moment, digesting this last remark.

"Revenge?" said Ori, at last, and rather nervously too "What do they mean by that?"

"Well, Ori," Nori said, grinning practically from ear to ear "I'd say that a war has been declared. A - a war of wits and tricks, maybe. Might be fun..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: So, I wrote another chapter. As you can see. Erm...yes. Okay, there's no point in writing author's notes if you don't actually have anything to say in them, but thanks to everyone who favorited, followed, or reviewed.**

When someone declares war on you, you rather expect them to follow the declaration up with some sort of great and terrible act of violence. You prepare yourself for the worst, and it's a bit disconcerting when nothing happens.

"What's got into you, Ori?" Dori asked his youngest brother, dabbing at a rapidly spreading pool of ink on the oak table "That's the second time you've knocked something over in ten minutes..."

"I can't help it," said Ori, his face and hands now liberally splattered with the contents of the overturned ink pot "It's been a week since Kili and Fili swore revenge, and they've not done anything!"

"Isn't that a good thing?" Dori said, as the door swung open and Nori strolled in, trailing liberal amounts of mud across the floor "Oh, for Durin's sake, wipe your boots before you come in. And where did you manage to get so dirty?"

Nori ignored these remarks and instead sat down at the table, across from Ori, eyeing the inky mess with interest.

"Getting a bit jumpy, are we?" he asked "I take it our two fine dwarves haven't struck yet...?"

"No, but it's only a matter of time -" Ori began to say, before stopping abruptly as a great clattering din erupted suddenly in the front room.

The three brothers were on their feet in an instant - they had all been waiting for something of this nature to occur.

"Ah, the wait has come to an end," remarked Nori, though Ori and Dori couldn't hear him over the noise "You have to hand it to them when it comes to timing..."

They rushed for the doorway and then stopped in their tracks, all three staring with a mixture of horror and bemusement at the sight that met their eyes.

In the front room the work table had been overturned, with one of its legs snapped clean off. Pots and pans lay scattered across the floor and in the center of this scene of pure chaos stood a ewe, glaring around at the room with yellow eyes and making a series of surprisingly menacing 'mehhh' noises.

As they watched, the creature turned and threw itself at a small, spindly legged stool that Ori sometimes sat on while he worked, sending it crashing back against the wall.

"What in Durin's name...?" said Nori, his eyes widening in surprise.

Though it was a perfectly understandable thing to say under the circumstances, this exclamation had the lamentable result of alerting the ewe of the three dwarves' presence in the room, and with a further disconcerting '_mehh'_ it charged.

Ori was frozen with terror, but luckily Nori, who wasn't, grabbed him by the arm and wrenched him to one side. Dori leapt rather athletically in the other direction and the enraged ewe shot between them, leaving all three brothers unharmed, for the moment.

Dori, exhibiting great presence of mind, snatched up the fallen stool and wrenched off one of its three legs, which he tossed to Nori. Their eyes met and Nori nodded.

As the ewe skidded around and then trampled back towards them, the three dwarves once more hurled themselves away. However, this time as the creature went past them, both Dori and Nori swung their make-shift clubs, whamming the ewe on the rear-end and propelling it out the front door.

Ori dove forward and shoved the above-mentioned door shut, slamming the bolt across and then leaning against it, gasping for breath. He could have sworn that he heard the sound of laughter coming from outside, and he wondered if Fili and Kili had hung around to watch the results of their prank.

"I've always hated sheep," said Nori, dropping his stool-leg "Let's never go into the farming business, eh, Dori?"

Dori, however, wasn't in the mood for making light of the unfortunate destruction of their work-shop. He gave Ori and Nori an expectant look.

"Well?" he snapped "Aren't you going to go get revenge? Isn't that how this war works?"

"It's locked," whispered Ori, stepping away from the door to the forge where Kili and Fili were currently employed "We might as well go home, Nori."

Nori ignored him, leaning down and fiddling with the keyhole, his hands hiding whatever he was using to pick the lock. With a little click, the door obediently swung inwards. Nori turned to his younger brother and grinned with a certain degree of smugness, before gesturing towards the darkened forge.

"After you," he said, quietly.

Ori nodded gratefully, and cautiously stepped across the threshold, Nori close behind him. It was close to midnight, and as they had hoped, the forge seemed to be empty.

"It's dark," Ori said, arguably stating the obvious "Did you bring a candle?"

Nori started to say that he'd had the impression that candles were Ori's job, but was cut off rather abruptly as something tightened around his ankle and pulled him upwards until he was hanging upside down, about a foot off the floor. He could dimly make out Ori to his left, in a similar uncomfortable position, and that wasn't all he could see.

Two figures, who had been crouching behind the large anvil that stood in the center of the room, were straightening up. Two very familiar figures.

"Oh, this is a trap, isn't it?" Ori said, as he spun in a gentle circle, held in mid air by the loop of rope that had closed around his leg.

"Yes, and a good one too," said Kili, grinning with a truly indecent amount of glee as beside him, Fili lit the lantern that he had been holding "It took us a long time to set up."

"Alright," Nori said, sighing "You've wrecked our workshop, you've humiliated us - can you let us down?"

"But letting you down would deprive us of a proper chance to revel in our victory," said Fili.

"This isn't a victory," Ori muttered, feeling a surge of indignation "It's just a temporary triumph."

"If we let you hang there for an hour or two, I think we'll feel very victorious," said Kili, who was enjoying this very much.

"Look, let's not split hairs over the concept of victory," Nori said, the blood rushing to his head rather unpleasantly "Just let us down and we'll call it quits. No more tricks. War over."

Before either Kili or Fili had a chance to reply to this offer, the door swung open yet again, and in the light of the lantern the four dwarves saw the unmistakable form of Thorin, as he stepped inside.

He had, Ori realized, most likely seen the light coming from the forge and gone to investigate, which was a pity, because at this hour of night every right thinking dwarf ought to be home and warm in bed.

What was even more of a pity was that Fili and Kili had laid more than just the two traps that had caught Ori and Nori...

"Wait -" Fili just had time to say, in an appropriately alarmed tone, before there was a snap and a whoosh of air as Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thor was yanked upwards to hang upside down in a manner that could not be considered majestic, or even remotely dignified.

There are only a small number of dwarves out there who can be caught in similar circumstances, and still manage to glower menacingly at anyone. Thorin was one of these talented individuals, and the glare which he fixed on Kili and Fili could have won prizes.

In the long and strained minutes that followed this unfortunate event, only Nori's voice was heard.

"I don't believe it," he said "I really just don't believe it...twice in one week..."

Thorin ignored this disbelieving statement, still watching his nephews, both of whom looked absolutely stricken.

"Listen, Thorin," said Kili, raising his hands placatingly "We can explain _everything_. Just please don't kill us quite yet."


	3. Chapter 3

** Author's Note: So, this is the last chapter, to wrap it all up. I could probably have made it a bit longer, but I've got some other things I'd like to write, and I wanted to finish this one up first.**

**Lots of thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/followed :)**

When you think of the words 'friendly little chat', whatever springs to mind will undoubtedly not resemble in any way the discussion that came directly after Kili and Fili let their uncle out of the trap. In fact, it's probably as far from a 'friendly little chat' as you can get, without descending into 'Kill the dwarf-scum!' territory.

Fortunately for Nori and Ori, most of Thorin's dialogue was aimed at Kili and Fili, but they stood there anyway, squirming with nervousness about what Thorin might do to them.

Most of the details of this conversation were lost on Ori, who by now was approaching the 'out of your mind with terror' stage, but it went something like this:

"Do you know how hard I work to make sure that you two have enough to eat every day and a roof to sleep under?"

"Yes, Thorin. Yes, we do. But please just let us explai-"

"And what do you do? You spend your time playing ridiculous jokes!"

"Yes, but, Thorin -"

"_Stop interrupting_!"

The conversation carried on in this vein for some time, during which Thorin talked at length about how disgraceful his nephews' irresponsible behavior was, while they desperately protested and in turn claimed that they were innocent.

At last, having nearly exhausted this interesting topic, Thorin fixed the four dwarves present with a steely glare.

"Kili, Fili," he began "You'll help with all repairs necessary to Dori and Ori's shop. Then, this war of yours will be over. Done. If I ever hear about any of you playing another trick on each other, you may not live to regret it. Understand?"

There was a sheepish chorus of "Yes, Thorin"s, while Kili, Fili, Nori, and Ori all stared downwards as if conducting a devoted study of the floors of forges.

"Right," Thorin growled "Now, get out."

They got out, and quickly, too.

Once outside of the forge, the four dwarves stopped and stood in a rough circle, eyeing each other, warily. Finally, Fili spoke.

"Truce?"

"Truce," Ori said, decidedly relieved, as Nori nodded his agreement.

Though there had been a certain amount of excitement and pleasure in participating in the war, he was looking forward to being able to relax and stop living in fear of the next trick.

"You'll notice that Thorin never specifically told us that we'd be dead if he caught us playing tricks on other people,' said Fili, grinning.

"You mean...?" said Ori, weakly.

"We'll help you fix up your shop," Kili said, his grin, too, stretching nearly from ear to ear "And then, I've got a brilliant plan for what we could do. You see, we take some nettles, and we wedge them into the privy, and then..."

But I must draw a veil over the conversation, and eventually the rather prickly adventure that followed. Suffice to say that Ori wished that he'd never been born, Nori wished that he'd come home sooner, and Thorin wished (though he didn't really mean it) that Dis had never had children.


End file.
